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Is Limerence a Mental Health Concern?

Limerence may or may not be a mental health issue depending on how it is handled. Limerence has been compared to obsession and addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Though Limerence shares traits with these known mental health issues, it is not considered one. Although, some psychologists and researchers believe extreme cases should be considered mental health disorders.

Limerence is the state of longing for another person who doesn’t fully reciprocate, or bear similar feelings. It’s a state of being stuck between uncertainty and hope.

The thing about limerence is that the thoughts and feelings are uncontrolled. If unaddressed they could easily take over the victim’s life.

Most of the time their mood and behavior are influenced by the kind of attention they get or do not get from their limerence object. Rejection and even ending relationships between these two parties becomes earth-shattering.

Some individuals do not experience limerence in their lives. This could be because the gene triggering limerence becomes active under certain conditions. Such conditions include a person’s attachment style and the kind of environment they grew up in.

It is well known that what we look for in a romantic partner is probably what we missed growing up. The expectation is that the romantic partner will validate their feelings, and meet the needs that were neglected in childhood.

· Consistent intrusive thoughts about the object of limerence. (LO)

· Intense fear of being rejected by the LO.

· Being awkward, shy and clumsy around LO.

· Obsessively-compulsively looking for signs of similarities between yourself and a limerent object

· Arranging “accidental” bumping into each other.

· Convincing yourself that this person is “the one.”

· Limerence mimics the early stages of falling in love. You feel an emotional, spiritual and physical connection to your LO. You are incredibly drawn to them.

· Just like love, it can strike anytime even with someone you least expected.

Love: is the wanting an attachment and physical closeness with the other person. With love, you genuinely wish for the other person’s well-being and happiness whether it’s with you or not.

Limerence: on the other hand, is an unhealthy obsessional mixture of emotions. It may appear to be love on the surface.

· The difference is that it serves the limerent’s needs rather than wanting what is best for the other person. It stems from a place of anxiety.

· With limerence, reciprocation is demanded. Lack thereof could cause the limerent to be angry, vengeful and disrespectful of the other person’s wishes.

· Limerence can cause you to default to people-pleasing mode. The premise is that it increases your chances with your LO.

· You tend to ignore all the red flags and signs of incompatibility with limerence. These are signs you would typically take note of in another setting.

· Limerence includes an avoidance pattern. You can admire from afar without committing to a relationship. This is usually caused by fear of intimacy and underlying abandonment issues usually stemming from childhood.

This occurs when you are looking for someone to fall in love with. Not a specific person, just someone who’d be interested. Whoever seems to reciprocate these feelings becomes the LO.

After the limerent has identified their LO, they begin to look for signs that the LO has more than a physical investment.

This is when the LO reciprocates your feelings. A flaming romance may grow at this stage or the limerent may ease up on the intensity on account of the commitment.

At times, the LO does not reciprocate and the limerent goes through the process of letting go and possibly back to pre-limerence.

At this point, the fire quiets down. It may cause one or both parties to wonder why their love is dying and even wish for things to go back to the way they were.

For couples who realize that dissolution is a natural phase, they transition into a healthier type of love.

With open communication, the relationship may grow healthier and stronger. In some cases, the loss of limerence could lead to a breakup. If unchecked the limerent person could go back to the love-seeking phase all over again.

The solutions differ depending on how affected you are. In extreme cases such as self-isolation and neglecting your work, you may need to talk to a professional therapist.

· Acknowledging that being with your LO will not solve all of your problems: As soon as you realize this, you can fight to get to the root cause of your wound. This will allow you to focus on healing rather than using band-aids to cover a bullet wound.

· Practice self-awareness and mindfulness: Observe your thought patterns without judgement. Being aware of what is happening within you helps you to better step in and pull yourself out of the limerence cycle.

· Disconnecting from your LO: All kinds of healing require space and time. Taking a step back allows you to listen to your feelings and moderate them without the LO to give you that dopamine boost. You can think and make clear decisions.

· Cognitive restructuring: This is getting rid of all the unhelpful and unhealthy beliefs you may have. For example; you may feel that you need someone to feel complete. These issues are mostly underlying and you may need help from a professional to work through them. Meanwhile, you can try self-healing methods such as:

o Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings. From there you can observe patterns and work on correcting them.

o Affirmations: Turn your negative thoughts into positive statements. For example, if you feel “I need a mate to be happy,” say to yourself “I am enough.”

These are some of the ways you can cope with limerence.

Being self-aware is one of the best self-care techniques you can have. The sooner you break the pattern, the faster you can heal and engage in a healthy balanced relationship. Work on your well-being and self-worth.

It may seem like a lot of work but at the end of the day, you are the greatest project you will ever work on. Experiencing limerence shows you can love intensely.

Turn that love within and mend all the broken parts. You cannot pour from an empty cup and by self-healing, you become the best version of yourself a partner could ever have.

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